The past few weeks have been a period of reflection and honesty. I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of change and difficulty and in all honesty it felt like things were crumbling, the foundations became unsteady and my trust in life became a little blurred. It was simple to stay in that mindset and fear anything new, and to wish things could revert back to their old familiar ways, but I know now, now things are a little more quiet, some of these things needed to happen and although I have been pushed beyond belief, I feel like I have learnt things about myself and others that I might’ve ever gotten to know had some of these issues never been brought up.
Thats not to say im glad they happened, as i have been left with a big loss, and the weight of certain things being left unsaid, but I feel that whatever happens, i have a new found trust in the earth to show me the direction I need to go in, unconventional it may be, but that’s okay, I am doing my best to embrace these shifts with an open heart ready for new opportunities.
I have always been quite spiritual, and have found great comfort in crystals, tarot and the ways of the earth, but for some reason I’ve always been a little…embarrassed about it? I don’t know why and it was never a conscious thing, but behind the scenes I’ve been focusing a lot on my practice and have attended new moon circles and oh my gosh, they were incredible. I feel so open about it now, it makes 7 year old me who was beaming over going to a crystal cave smile.
The new moon circle was incredible, we journaled, meditated, did a cacao ceremony, shared oracle cards, ugh, take me back. This is something that brings me so much wholehearted joy, and I want to carry on that feeling and I’m so grateful I have the time to grow and learn. Things can change so quickly and I am learning to be present and express how I feel in authentic and healthy ways.
Another thing that has brought me comfort is journaling. We have so many thoughts throughout the day, good and bad, and I’ve never paid much attention to them. It’s only recently that I’ve felt a draw to think about my thoughts? Not in an overly psychoanalytical way but in a productive and reflective way, a way that brings me clarity and teaches me about myself. I’ve tried to write about my intentions, things I’m grateful for, things I would like to change or consider, things I would like to say to people and maybe wont get to. It has helped me accept my current reality and try to make some sense out of the madness. I also find that nothing is too silly to write about, little ideas that pop into my head, little things that made me smile that day or a shopping list minding me to buy couscous. Anything goes in a journal.
When I was in the midst of a big spiral, it felt like there was no light, everything was dark, nothing smelt or tasted nice, nothing brought me joy, it was just pure adrenaline, maybe it was shock, but i think it was my brain and body fighting to stay grounded and safe. I have some wonderful people supporting me, some more on the way, and I am so grateful. The family that has done their best to be patient with me, the friends that called me when I couldn’t think, the therapist that listened and continues to give me a safe space where I can just be. I am now in a place where I can reflect, I am forming new habits, structures, and strategies, and right now I feel the most aligned I have been in a while.
I am beginning to see the sprinkles of magic and whimsy in everyday, fresh cool air, the calming sound of drizzly rainfall, birds singing on a morning, dopamine dressing and self expression, cathartic music, I am so grateful for the chance to go again, it’s never too late to try.
This isn’t to say I’ll never feel sad again, because truthfully, i do feel sad still, I feel frustrated and confused but I know, I will get to where i need to be, even if its not where i thought or how I thought I would get there, I am going to do my best to stay grounded, connected and hopeful.
I am glad I stayed for something.
Stay safe out there
Ellie x
(there’s a new series on the @Moonlitmindproject instagram called “elite tries again” where I am posting all about the things I’m doing to cope and smile, feel free to have a nosy!)
